Dear Abby: My Husband Is Waging a Secret War Against Our Neighbor’s Lawn

DEAR ABBY: I’m writing from Massapequa because my husband, Sal, has become obsessed with proving that our next‑door neighbor’s lawn is “artificially enhanced.” He insists the grass is “too green for nature” and that “no one on Long Island has a lawn that perfect without cheating.”

Abby, he has taken this on as a personal mission.

It started innocently enough — Sal noticed that our neighbor, Richie, had a lawn that looked like it belonged in a fertilizer commercial. Instead of assuming Richie hired a landscaping service like every other person in Nassau County, Sal decided Richie must be “using illegal Canadian turf additives.”

Now Sal spends his evenings “conducting surveillance,” which means sitting in a folding chair behind our hydrangeas with binoculars he bought at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He whispers things like “He’s applying something… I can feel it.”

Last week he took soil samples from the property line and labeled them “Exhibit A.” He also tried to measure the height of Richie’s grass with a ruler “to establish a pattern.”

He is not mentally ill, Abby — he is just very competitive and believes lawn care is a sport.

I’ve told him to let it go, but he says he “won’t be defeated by synthetic chlorophyll.” He wants to file a complaint with the homeowners association, even though we don’t have one.

How do I get him to stop waging this suburban Cold War?

— GRASS‑TIRED IN MASSAPEQUA