New York Offers To House Hantavirus Patients In Nursing Homes

BabylonBee.com

MANHATTAN — The State of New York has graciously offered to allow American hantavirus patients to stay in any of their local nursing homes.

With seventeen Americans being ordered into quarantine due to hantavirus exposure, Governor Hochul immediately called to request the patients be housed as close as possible to elderly, infirm New Yorkers.

“We are following the science,” announced Governor Hochul. “While red states languish, New York will once again lead the way in pandemic preparation by securing all infected patients inside nursing homes. We know from experience how to trap a virus inside the buildings which contain our most vulnerable population. Our track record speaks for itself.”

While health authorities appreciated the gesture, the Center for Disease Control has thus far declined Hochul’s offer. “We were thinking maybe quarantining these patients in like a hospital with doctors,” said CDC advisor Joel Gantry. “Also, we had the idea that to best quarantine the patients, we should keep them away from other people. It’s a new strategy we’re hoping to try.”

At publishing time, CNN had arrived at the governor’s mansion to set up its official “Hantavirus Death Counter.”

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