My long-term partner performed a sexual act with me without my consent. What do I do?

Dear Amy,

I’m a woman in a long-term relationship with a man I deeply care about. Overall, our relationship is strong—we communicate well, resolve disagreements respectfully, and generally see eye to eye on most things.

However, something recently happened that has left me confused and unsettled.

A few nights ago, my partner initiated a sexual act while we were both in bed. I was half-asleep and didn’t enjoy what happened. It’s something I would never have consented to, had I been fully awake or asked. In the moment, I didn’t resist or say anything—I froze, I think—but afterward, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

After taking a few days to process, I brought it up with him. He said he vaguely remembers something happening, but not the specifics. He expressed regret and told me he felt bad about it. I appreciated that, but I’m still struggling.

Since then, he seems eager to resume our usual level of physical closeness, but I don’t feel ready. I know that if I tell him I need space, he’ll listen and respect my boundaries—but I also worry about how long I can keep that distance without it affecting our relationship. I don’t want to drift apart, but I also don’t want to force myself into intimacy I’m not ready for.

I’m not sure how to sort through all the feelings this has brought up—sadness, confusion, maybe even anger—but I also don’t fully understand what those feelings are yet. I can’t afford therapy at the moment, and I’m finding it hard to even articulate what I’m experiencing.

So I’m writing to ask: How can I continue to process what happened in a healthy way? How do I move forward with my partner—emotionally and physically—when I’m still not sure how I feel? Is it normal to feel this conflicted, even in a relationship where there’s trust and care?

Any guidance would be appreciated.

—Confused and Concerned