Every Muppet Ranked by How Well They Could Replace Biden
BY DAN RICE
Since the 1970s, Jim Henson’s Muppets have achieved the near impossible—consistently providing four-quadrant entertainment the whole family can truly enjoy. Now we need them more than ever to accomplish an even more impossible task—saving American democracy.
Joe Biden’s debate performance was so bad Democrats wished he were on strings with someone else’s hand up his ass making him talk, or at the very least seem awake. It’s starting to seem that if we have any chance of stopping Trump and the fascist tide of Project 2025, the Democrats need a new candidate, and given the DNC’s fondness for puppets, a Muppet seems like the most likely prospect. They have brand recognition, people trust them, and unlike our current President, they can talk.
Any Muppet would be an improvement over either current candidate, but which anthropomorphic foam animal is best suited for the job? We’ve crunched the numbers and ranked them all by their viability as candidates, from better than Trump or Biden to much better than Trump or Biden.
28. Lew Zealand
He’s a foreigner, so he’s disqualified. If he could run he would crush it, but he can’t.
27. The Swedish Chef
The Swedish Chef is not an immigrant, he’s just incoherently drunk all the time. He’s no more intelligible than Biden but at least when he spews gibberish he does it with the sense of confidence and professionalism his years of functional alcohol abuse afford him.
26. Uncle Deadly
Almost a lateral move, the dude is old. He still has command of his faculties and he isn’t a Nazi, which makes him a better fit than both men currently competing for the job, but only by a little. In a year or two he’ll start sundowning like the rest of them.
25. Camilla the Chicken
Or like, any chicken really. People really hate Biden and Trump, honestly, we like her odds.
24. Floyd Pepper
Floyd zones out as much as Biden but at least when he comes to you get cool drug stories and not the same 4 talking points regurgitated from the napkin he’s been staring at all day.
23. Clifford
He’s amicable, high-energy, and racially ambiguous. Trump’s going to hit him hard on the “failure” of “Muppets Tonight” but with a respectable 7.7 on IMDB, he should be able to work through it.
22. Sam the Eagle
We all know Sam the Eagle is a rank-and-file conservative. You could argue that makes him the candidate most likely to win as he would draw both Democrats and Republicans on the fence about Trump, but at what cost? It would sort of be like voting for Vader over Palpatine.
21. Robin the Frog
Sure, he’s a child, but he’s been a child since the ’70s so legally we’re pretty sure he can run. Conservatives like to say they do what they do to protect the children of this country, let’s see them put their money where their mouth is and cross party lines to vote for this adorable frog kid.
20. Gonzo
Gonzo is a complicated guy for sure, and if elected his term will likely be cut short by scandal. You can’t keep skeletons like his in the closet forever, this guy’s done things that make the Stormy Daniel’s hush money cover-up look like taking a dollar out of Grandma’s purse. Still, if we can keep the lid on his deeply disturbing personal life for a few short months we’re in the clear.
19. Statler and Waldorf
Sure they’ve got the age problem, but these guys are still sharp. Trump relies heavily on insulting his opponents, let’s see him try to pull that shit with the pros.
Statler: “Did you hear Trump is out there calling us groomers?”
Waldorf: “Does that mean he’s not?”
Statler: “Of course not, the man smells like a McRib’s taint!”
Statler and Waldorf: “Oh ho ho ho ho!”
18. Gene
Okay, so he’s a confirmed cannibal, but he’s upfront about it and has never eaten a baby, which, according to our Uncle Mark (who hasn’t quite been the same since his car accident), makes Gene a more viable candidate than Joe Biden or Hilary Clinton combined.
17. Bobo the Bear
As a lifestyle influencer, Bobo already has a rabid, internet-literate fanbase ready to make “Bobo 2024” happen. As a bear, he projects some much-needed strength on the world stage.
16. Zoot
The sax thing worked for Clinton in ’92 and it can work for Zoot in 2024. We just need Arsenio Hall to have a talk show again and a good fixer to cover up his predatory sex life. Move over Kid Rock, there’s a new bucket hat-wearing musician riddled with STDs here to shake up Washington!
15. Crazy Harry
Yes, it’s a sad state of affairs, but we are at the point in this country where many Americans are saying “Let’s just put the guy named Crazy with all the dynamite in the White House and just see what happens.”
14. Miss Piggy
Yes, sexism will work against her, but not as much as some other candidates we can think of. If 2016 had been Trump vs. Piggy instead of Trump vs. Hillary we wouldn’t even be in this mess right now.
13. Sweetums
There’s something about this gregarious gargantuan that reminds us of Teddy Roosevelt. We would suggest he do a train tour campaign of the United States, but since neither party cares about this country’s infrastructure that wouldn’t go well.
12. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
As a scientist, Dr. Honeydew appeals to climate-conscious voters. Trump will no doubt call him a quack and compare him to Anthony Fauci, but that’s not going to change anyone’s mind. Besides, Bunsen has enough Dr. Oz in him to win over rubes in the fly-over states.
11. Janice
Sure, sexism will work against her, but as the only female member of The Electric Mayhem Janice has learned how to hold her own against men without bruising their fragile little egos. “Heeeeeyy, so, we’re gonna reinstate Roe V Wade, I hope that’s okaaaaaayyyy!”
10. Fozzie Bear
What this country needs is a little less MAGA and a little more WAKA. There, that one stupid line is all you need to make a puppet bear the president of the united states, that’s how shitty things have gotten.
9. Rizzo the Rat
From his humble beginnings as a rat, Rizzo pulled himself up by the bootstraps to become a rat who occasionally wears clothes. He can relate to the working class and he’ll work tirelessly to reduce the impact of inflation on pizza.
8. Scooter
Scooter used the fact that his uncle owns the muppet’s theater to push his way onto the show and has been on a Machiavellian quest for power ever since. He’s probably the one that hid Joe’s Adderall in the first place. Everything is going according to Scooter’s plan.
7. Beauregard
As a janitor, he can connect with the working class, and his stint as Bobo’s handler gave him more PR savvy than you might think. Remember when Bobo ate that whole jug of pre-workout powder and bit that kid’s arm off? No? Exactly.
6. Animal
Sure he babbles incoherently, which is the main reason we need to replace Biden, but when Animal does it he means BUSINESS. His energetic aggression could see him beating Trump at his own game. It’s desperate times people.
5. Dr. Teeth
When Trump invited Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Dr. Teeth to the White House, the good doctor declined. You don’t have an entertainment career as long and storied as his without learning to know which way the wind is blowing. Dr. Teeth has been waiting oh so patiently for just this moment, and his stars and stripes top hat is already de-collapsed and ready for the campaign trail.
4. Beaker
“Vote for Mee-mee-mee-mee-mee!”
3. Rowlf the Dog
Trump’s base confoundingly stuck with him when he called soldiers who died in combat “losers,” but just let him try talking shit about dogs. It might just be the final straw.
2. Kermit the Frog
He’s basically the Jimmy Carter of the Muppetts, but he has that one crucial element Carter always lacked—Kermit is a song-and-dance man. Well, song and dance frog. Just imagine the look of self-realization on every MAGA uncle’s face when Kermit responds to a racist Trump tirade about murderous immigrants with a perfectly delivered “Mr. Trump, with respect sir, I don’t think you’re a very nice Man.”
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