It’s not just incels. From a celibate porn star to an asexual ex-Mormon…Influencers Are Normalizing Not Having Sex

Young Women Are Also Choosing Celibacy, Challenging Assumptions About Sex and Loneliness

For years, men who identify as “incels,” or involuntarily celibate men, have dominated online discussions about loneliness and the lack of sex. These conversations have largely taken place within the “manosphere” and across broader internet culture, where the focus has often been on men who feel excluded from dating and relationships.

However, recent data suggests that young women are also having less sex than in the past. According to the National Survey of Family Growth, the number of women between the ages of 22 and 34 who reported not having sex within the previous year increased significantly between 2013 and 2023. During that decade, the share rose from about 8 percent to 13 percent—an increase of roughly 50 percent.

Women cite a variety of reasons for abstaining from sex. Some point to anxiety about the state of the world, including political and economic uncertainty and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Others say their decision stems from a desire for independence and personal autonomy.

While men and women report similar levels of loneliness overall, some studies suggest that single women often report greater happiness than single men. Researchers have proposed several explanations, including the possibility that women who remain single avoid unequal household labor or relationships that deprioritize their needs. Online, new terms have begun to emerge around these trends, including “femcel,” “boysober,” and “opting out.”

To understand this shift, three people who speak openly online about celibacy shared their experiences: a veteran porn performer taking a break from sex, an asexual YouTuber, and an entrepreneur waiting for marriage.

A Porn Performer Steps Away From Sex

Dominique Silver is not someone most people would expect to be celibate.

A trans woman and longtime performer in the adult industry, Silver has spent around two decades working in pornography and serves as a brand ambassador for Pornhub, performing under the name Natassia Dreams. Yet over the past year she has chosen not to be intimate with anyone, either personally or professionally.

Silver, who also works as a model, says many women in her social circle are making similar choices. According to her, several friends—including other models—have also stepped back from dating or sexual relationships.

For much of her career, Silver genuinely enjoyed sex and her work in the industry. But years in that environment exposed her to relationship dynamics she found troubling. She says she frequently saw men lie to their partners and watched relationships fall apart due to infidelity.

One experience helped trigger her decision to step back. Silver traveled to Brazil to meet two people she had been talking to—one woman and one man she hoped to build a long-distance relationship with. When she arrived, both canceled plans to meet her. The experience made her reconsider her priorities and her approach to relationships.

For a period afterward, she withdrew socially and described herself as becoming somewhat of a “hermit.” Eventually she took a job as a restaurant hostess partly to reconnect with people in person rather than through dating apps.

Dating apps have also created awkward situations. Silver says that many people who match with her recognize her from her work in pornography, which can make the interaction uncomfortable because she wants to be seen as more than her public persona.

She believes her current period of celibacy is a time for reflection and personal growth. Rather than rushing back into relationships, she wants to feel fully comfortable being on her own.

Silver also believes broader social changes play a role in why many women are stepping back from dating. Women today, she says, often have greater independence and no longer rely on men for financial stability or housing in the way previous generations sometimes did.

For now, she is not in a hurry to return to sex or relationships. Whether that changes in the future remains uncertain, but she says she is comfortable with that.

An Asexual Creator Builds Community Online

Lynn Saga grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where discussions of chastity were common. At age 12, Saga attended a youth group lesson about abstinence, but unlike many peers, they did not struggle with the idea.

Saga, now 29 and a nonbinary YouTuber, says their family had deep roots in Mormon history, tracing ancestors back to early pioneers who traveled to Salt Lake City.

It was around age 13 that Saga first encountered the term “asexual” through a friend. The word helped explain feelings they had experienced for years but struggled to describe.

Saga now identifies as demisexual, a label within the asexual spectrum describing people who typically experience sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond. They estimate that it can take six to nine months for them to develop attraction to someone, if it happens at all. They say they have experienced sexual attraction only a few times in their life.

In 2020, Saga launched a YouTube channel dedicated to discussing asexuality. At the time, they found very little content about the subject online.

Their goal was to create a space where people who felt the same way could see that they were not alone. Saga says many people misunderstand asexuality, sometimes assuming it must be caused by hormonal issues or something that needs to be fixed.

Instead, Saga emphasizes that asexuality simply reflects a different way of experiencing attraction. Through their channel, they have built a community of viewers who identify as “ace,” a common shorthand for asexual.

Messages from viewers range widely. Some come from teenagers who are just beginning to question their identity. Others come from older adults who say learning about asexuality helped them understand past relationships or marriages.

According to Saga, one of the most powerful aspects of the community is the sense of relief people express when they realize others share similar experiences.

Waiting for Marriage

Marina De Buchi, a 30-year-old jewelry brand owner originally from the United Kingdom, grew up fascinated with California. Watching reality television as a child made the state seem like a symbol of freedom, a word she eventually tattooed on the back of her neck.

After years of planning and saving money, she moved to California with two suitcases and eventually found housing with three other women. All four are virgins, and they jokingly refer to their shared home as “the nunnery.”

De Buchi describes herself as Christian and politically conservative. In her social circle, waiting for marriage to have sex is common, and she says it is not treated as unusual.

Her jewelry business supports causes she cares about, including donating a portion of proceeds to organizations that combat human trafficking.

De Buchi believes modern culture has become highly sexualized, and she questions whether that has actually made people freer or happier. In her view, the emphasis on constant sexual expression may sometimes have the opposite effect.

Although she assumed she would marry in her early twenties, life unfolded differently. About a year and a half ago she met her current boyfriend on the dating app Hinge. From the start, she told him she intended to remain abstinent until marriage.

The couple avoids overnight stays together and tries to maintain clear boundaries in the relationship. For De Buchi, preserving those boundaries helps keep certain experiences meaningful for the future.

She is also preparing to launch a podcast called The Gypsy Virgin, which will discuss topics related to faith, relationships, and preparing for intimacy within marriage after years of abstinence.

De Buchi emphasizes that waiting for marriage does not mean putting life on hold. She runs a business, travels frequently, and maintains an active social life.

In her view, a partner should enhance someone’s life rather than complete it.