Want to destroy the lives of innocent people who’ve done nothing wrong? Join ICE!

It seems U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement – the federal agency glowingly featured in the Aug. 6 episode of “South Park” – is having some recruiting problems. ICE is making a hard push for new hires on social media and recently removed the age cap for applicants, meaning anyone 18 or older can apply.

Because I’m a patriot and live to help, I’ve put together a recruiting pitch so the Trump administration has enough ICE agents to reach its goal of maximum nationalism/cruelty:

Do you enjoy carrying guns, hiding your face from the public, and jumping out of the back of rented moving vans into Home Depot parking lots to chase people going about their daily lives?

Have you been spending your days at a boring, dead-end job where you never hear the panicked screams of mothers seeing their children forcibly stuffed into unmarked vans?

If so, maybe it’s time you considered a career with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. It’s your chance to help Make America Great Again while also ensuring you will live in infamy, which is a good thing as long as you don’t Google it.

You might recognize ICE from its recent appearance on the popular cartoon “South Park.” Don’t watch that episode. It might turn you into a lib. But rest assured, it proved our brave agents and our fearless leader, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, are now a huge part of the popular culture, meaning they are very popular.

You want to be very popular, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?

To show how bad we want you to be part of our always-doing-the-right-thing team, Homeland Security recently posted a link to apply to ICE on X along with these words: “Serve your country! Defend your culture! No undergraduate degree required!”

Now, some nonpatriots out there who have undergraduate degrees might say that “Defend your culture!” bit sounds a little White supremacist-ish. Those stupid elitists! That’s why our fun-loving team at ICE doesn’t require an undergraduate degree. It can’t be White supremacist-ish if you lack the knowledge to put what we’re doing in a historical context!

Anyhoo, here are just a few of the perks that come with a job at ICE.

Free face masks! Everyone knows the best jobs are ones that require you to hide your identity from people so they can’t connect you to the inhumane actions being dictated by your employer. On your first day, you will be issued an ICE-approved, breathable face covering that future generations of your family will one day stumble upon in a desk drawer before crumbling under the weight of profound shame.

How cool is that?!?

Also, within weeks of starting your new career, you will become a learned expert in dehumanization, fully capable of chasing down migrants who may not have done anything wrong, separating them from their loved ones, dispatching them to alligator-guarded domestic concentration camps and then heading home for a good night’s sleep.

Such skills could well open the door for future lucrative opportunities in the fields of torture, payday loans and health insurance claim denial.

Best of all, you’ll be joining a team with a laser-focused mission: To round up and expel “dangerous criminals” who President Donald Trump has labeled “the worst of the worst.”

Or, in the event the worst of the worst aren’t in the Home Depot parking lot when you pop out of the back of your rented moving truck, rounding up and expelling people who have no criminal record, many of whom are abiding by the nation’s immigration laws and just trying to find work to support their families. Or, in the event the people with no criminal records who are just trying to find work to support their families aren’t in the Home Depot parking lot, you may just round up their families, particularly their children, because they’re small and can’t run as fast.

Did we mention you’ll get a free face mask?

And who knows, you might one day have a cameo on “South Park,” a show we again encourage you not to watch.

So hop online today and apply for an exciting job at ICE. We don’t care about your age or your education, as long as you know how to grab people and view morality as a character flaw.

It’s time to get out there, chart a new path for yourself and defend your culture, assuming your culture doesn’t involve an unwillingness to oppress the widow, the orphan, the alien or the poor!

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Want to destroy the lives of innocent people who’ve done nothing wrong? Join ICE! | Opinion