Ask Amy 6-23-26

Dear Amy:

I never imagined that a dispute involving a parrot, a garden gnome, and a retired dentist would put my marriage at risk, but here we are.

My husband and I have lived in the same neighborhood for 17 years. For most of that time, we’ve gotten along wonderfully with our next-door neighbor, “Harold,” a retired dentist in his late 70s. Harold is eccentric but generally harmless. He wears Hawaiian shirts year-round, drives a bright yellow convertible, and owns a talking parrot named Captain.

The trouble started last summer when Captain escaped from Harold’s house and began spending most of his days perched in our backyard maple tree.

At first it was amusing. The bird would greet visitors and occasionally shout things like “Good morning!” or “Who’s a handsome boy?” Then it began repeating comments it had apparently learned from Harold over the years.

Some of these comments were not meant for public consumption.

For example, Captain informed my visiting sister that she looked “like a raccoon in a rainstorm.” He told our mail carrier that he “walked funny.” He repeatedly referred to my husband as “the cheap one.”

The real disaster began when Captain developed an obsession with our garden gnome collection. Every morning he would land among the gnomes and deliver a running commentary about them.

One morning he announced, “They’re watching us!”

Another day he repeatedly shouted, “The short one knows too much!”

Neighborhood children found this hilarious. Soon people were stopping in front of our house to hear the bird’s daily remarks.

Things escalated when someone posted videos online.

Now complete strangers drive by to see “the conspiracy parrot.”

My husband secretly enjoys the attention. In fact, he has begun rearranging the gnomes overnight to encourage new commentary from Captain. Last week he dressed one of them in a tiny necktie.

I think this is ridiculous.

Meanwhile, Harold claims he has no control over what the bird says and insists that Captain is exercising “free speech.”

The neighborhood has become divided. Some people love the bird. Others find him annoying. One neighbor has even started leaving peanuts on our fence to encourage Captain to visit more often.

The final straw came when Captain loudly announced during my book club meeting that “Mildred cheats at Scrabble.”

Mildred was present.

Abby, my husband says I should lighten up and enjoy our unexpected fame. I say our yard has become an outdoor comedy club run by a feathered menace.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it time to demand that Harold keep Captain at home?

— OUTSHOUTED BY A PARROT IN PENNSYLVANIA