Living With the Neighborhood Drama Machine

Dear Abby,

I have been married for only one year, but it already feels like a lifetime of trouble. Before we married, my husband and I dated for two years. During that time, he constantly complained that people disliked him for no reason. I believed him. I defended him. In fact, I even turned against some of our neighbors because I thought they were treating him unfairly. Now I realize how wrong I was.

In this first year of marriage, I have seen a completely different side of him. My husband thrives on gossip and drama. He listens to things on one side and then repeats them somewhere else, usually twisting the story along the way. He seems to enjoy creating conflict between people. Neighbors come to our door almost daily to confront him about something he has said.

Recently, a neighbor stormed into our house furious because my husband had told people she had several abortions years ago and that this was why she cannot get pregnant today. On another occasion, he spread a rumor that a neighbor’s wife was cheating on her husband with a local mechanic. The situation turned into a huge neighborhood dispute that took a long time to calm down.

He spends an incredible amount of time poking around in other people’s lives, gathering information and spreading rumors. I have also discovered that my own life has become an open book to the entire neighborhood because of him. He shares personal details about me with anyone who will listen.

Because of his behavior, we have already moved three times in just one year. We have only lived in our current neighborhood for four months, and yet people already know private things about my past that I never shared with them.

He has even told the local butcher that I am cheating on him with the shoemaker — a man who can barely walk! The stories he invents are unbelievable, but they still cause embarrassment and damage.

What is even worse is that he behaves this way online as well. He joins online groups and forums just to stir up arguments and drama. He visits other websites simply to provoke people and start trouble for entertainment. It’s like he feeds off the chaos.

At the beginning of our relationship, I admit that we sometimes gossiped together. I thought it was harmless and even felt like a way we bonded. Now I see how destructive it really is. Because of that realization, I no longer tell him anything personal.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped him from making things up. He recently told my sister that I claimed she had two abortions. I never said anything like that. Now there is tension in my own family because of his lies.

For the past two weeks, I haven’t spoken to him after he told people in the neighborhood that I secretly bleach my skin and that my natural skin color is dark. This is not even true — but now people look at me strangely because of what he said.

I feel humiliated and exhausted. I am ashamed of my husband’s behavior, and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I feel like everywhere we go, the same pattern follows us: rumors, conflict, embarrassment, and eventually moving away.

I am truly at my breaking point.

Abby, how do I deal with a husband who seems addicted to gossip, drama, and creating trouble everywhere he goes?

— Exhausted and Embarrassed