Friend’s comments have fallen short of friendly
Dear Abby:
I am a very overweight woman who has lost 50 pounds from my highest weight and continues to lose slowly but steadily. My A1C has dropped into the pre-diabetic range, so I know my efforts are paying off. Recently, however, I had a severe bout of sciatica along with pain in an arthritic knee, which forced me to cancel some long-anticipated travel.
A friend who was inconvenienced by my cancellation suggested that my weight was likely the cause of my sciatica and arthritis, and that losing more weight would solve the problem. While technically obvious, her comment felt condescending, hurtful, and deeply disrespectful. Plenty of thin people suffer from sciatica and arthritis, and I am already doing everything I reasonably can to improve my health.
This wasn’t an isolated incident. Years ago, when a close friend died and I tearfully expressed my grief, this same person suggested I would feel better if I “got out more and socialized”—during the height of COVID.
I’m struggling to understand how to respond. Is there anything productive I can say to someone who repeatedly offers unsolicited, tone-deaf advice disguised as concern? Should I ignore these remarks and continue the friendship, or is this a sign that it’s time to move on? I have no interest in lashing out, but I also don’t want to keep absorbing subtle cruelty in silence. Is there a calm but effective way to shut this down?
— Slow Loser in New York
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