Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been tackling changes the past year. We have been trying to improve our marriage by communicating more and making lifestyle changes. For me, I am trying to communicate more about what has upset me, where before I would just sit down and sulk. I have learned that my husband has been writing all those instances down as a list: “take kids out every day so she has alone time; don’t bring up kids conflicts to her; don’t compare her to you she may feel judged; don’t talk about her—even things that seem neutral are at risk of being viewed as negative when heard by her, therefore only talk about her in a positive light; don’t tease her; always give her 100 percent attention when talking; don’t share vulnerabilities with her, she doesn’t care and may use it in an insulting attack later.” The last one destroyed me. I can’t believe I would ever do that and if I did, we never talked about it. I don’t really know what to do. Do I just go on and think this is his private thoughts and leave it be, or do I address the fact of how he sees me? Is this a sign we need help?
—Hurt and Confused
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/07/dear-prudence-handle-me-list.html