PALMETTO CROSSING, Fla. — A woman’s alleged response to discovering her husband’s affair has left him hospitalized, her facing a criminal investigation and one kitchen utensil permanently retired from Thanksgiving duty.
Marla Pritchett, 46, allegedly used a turkey baster to squirt hot sauce into her sleeping husband’s anus after finding romantic messages on his phone.
Her husband, Curtis Pritchett, 49, reportedly awoke in distress and demanded that someone call an ambulance. The couple’s argument then resumed under circumstances neither their marriage counselor nor the manufacturer of the condiment could reasonably have anticipated.
Investigators in this fictional case believe Marla discovered the messages while Curtis slept on the living-room sofa. Rather than wake him for a confrontation, she allegedly went into the kitchen and returned with supplies.
The alleged assault was brief. Its consequences were considerably less convenient.
Curtis was taken to a hospital for evaluation. Marla remained at the house, where officers found her sitting at the kitchen table beside a cooling cup of coffee. The hot sauce had been returned to the refrigerator, suggesting that whatever else had collapsed in the household, her commitment to proper condiment storage remained intact.
The turkey baster was collected as evidence.
For the purposes of this fictional scenario, investigators are considering battery and other assault-related charges. Any final charging decision would depend on the evidence, the injuries and the applicable law—not whether Curtis had been conducting an extracurricular relationship.
Infidelity may explain an argument. It does not turn an unconscious spouse into an approved surface for hot-sauce application.
Neighbors reportedly learned something was wrong when Curtis’s shouting interrupted an otherwise quiet evening. One initially assumed he had injured himself moving furniture. That explanation became less convincing when an ambulance arrived and nobody mentioned a couch-related lifting injury.
Curtis is expected to recover. The future of the marriage appears less certain.
The couple’s Thanksgiving plans have also been suspended pending the purchase of new kitchen equipment.
