BABYLON BEE Story
Posted for: Jackie
ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ — As part of a new marketing initiative, the makers of Dove soap have announced they will be replacing the brand’s longtime bird silhouette logo with a more body-positive image of a manatee.
“This is the new depiction of Dove beauty,” said Unilever marketing executive Marsha Rainwater. “Who wants to look at majestic, graceful doves and thin, statuesque women when you can buy products with fat manatees that have morbidly obese spokesmodels endorsing them? Our thoughts exactly.”
The company made headlines last week when it announced it was partnering with 400-pound Black Lives Matter activist Zyahna Bryant to portray a more inclusive stance on body image. “It helps score us some ‘woke points,'” explained Rainwater. “Plus, we had a ton of excess food left over from a company banquet that we needed to clear out, so having an enormous, insatiable beast roaming the halls is beneficial in other ways, too. It’s a win-win!”
Consumers immediately pushed back against the initiative, for both the spokesmodel and the logo. “Who wants to see that?” said concerned citizen Josiah Smith. “Seriously, I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I read about their marketing campaign. Imagine how much soap it takes to wash under that many folds of skin. Actually, I suggest you don’t imagine it.”
At publishing time, Dove executives had put in a request for the production department to up its output due to Bryant reportedly eating all of the bars of soap that had been set aside for the campaign photo shoot.