This Christmas I gave you my heart…attack (and it was fake)
According to police, a Florida man faked a heart attack in the aisles of a Jacksonville-area Walmart in December, creating a distraction as an accomplice bolted with a shopping cart full of children’s toys.
Among the pilfered items were a motorized toy car and a Barbie Glam vacation house.
The dastardly pair, 27-year-old Gerard Dupree and 30-year-old Tarus Scott, somehow neglected to account for security cameras at the big box retailer, which captured every moment of the half-witted heist.
Both were cuffed soon after and charged with grand theft — with real handcuffs, not the purple plastic kind.
Brat gets angry over Nintendo Wii gift, fights girlfriend
New Hampshire resident Heath Blom and his girlfriend, 24-year-old Randi Young, were arrested in 2008 after a Yuletide fracas over a Nintendo Wii left both bloodied.
Blom, 26, reportedly asked for a remote control airplane for Christmas, and was dismayed to receive the popular gaming console instead.
The couple argued and a brawl ensued.
When Young went to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her hair, and in retaliation she turned around and hit him.
Sometimes, video games do cause violent behavior, it seems.
Santa Claus is coming to Buffalo Wild Wings — with weed
A man claiming to be Santa Claus was arrested in January when police discovered him giving away, er, stocking stuffers at a local Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, according to the Monterey Herald.
Police booked the apparently well-intentioned but clueless Randy Lange, 57, on charges of “furnishing marijuana” after the man allegedly entered the sports bar carrying a duffel bag packed with two pounds of Christmas cheer, which he then began doling out among patrons.
Lange entered the restaurant and began approaching customers, declaring that he was Santa Claus — not simply some dime-a-dozen impostor — and handing them chunks of ganja wrapped in napkins.
Lange even stuffed a large amount of the substance in the bar’s tip jar before cops caught up with him.
Police are still seeking the elves responsible for cultivating the drug.
A reptilian Christmas story
Are you dreaming of a slithery, snake-filled Christmas?
Donald Laigast Jr. was when he was charged with stealing three snakes — and a cash register — from a Louisiana pet store.
In December 2012, the owner of Delta Pets in Slidell summoned police after noticing that the store’s door had been pried open and a $600 python and two boas were missing, according to the New Orleans Times-Picayune.
Police canvassed the area and located a vacant building with a makeshift bed, three snakes and a jail ID card — with Laigast’s name on it — inside.
“Aggressive detective work was not required to determine that the three snakes were the same reptiles missing from Delta Pets,” Det. Daniel Seuzeneau told the New Orleans paper.
My 2×4 just wants to say Merry Christmas
A mall Santa in Atlanta wasn’t spreading the Christmas spirit when he beat up a woman with a 2×4.
Police said that Elkin Donnie Clarke, 49, hit 74-year-old Annie Ruth Nelson in the face and knocked her unconscious, according to ABC. Clarke said he did it because Nelson had stolen $145 of Hershey’s chocolates from him — but no one else could confirm that claim.
Clarke was arrested and charged with two counts of aggravated assault.
That time St. Nick was a little too jolly
Sometimes it’s possible to imbibe a little too much of the seasonal spirit. In 2009, a drunk Santa Claus stumbled into a scared family’s yard in Wisconsin.
The family’s two kids weren’t fooled by the blottoed man in red.
“He smelled like alcohol. So I knew it wasn’t the real Santa because Santa doesn’t drink alcohol,” 9-year-old Katie Dockerty told KSDK-TV.
The drunk imposter tottered around yelling, “Have you seen my reindeer? If you see my reindeer, call me right away,” according to the girl’s mother.
The Santa Claus burglar fails spectacularly
A man named Shon Shanell earned the dubious nickname “The Santa Claus Burglar” after he tried breaking into a house through the chimney.
He got stuck and ultimately Seattle firefighters had to come rescue him, according to The Seattle Times.
After chopping away at the chimney bricks for 45 minutes, medics freed the mysteriously naked 23-year-old who then strangely claimed he was just trying to retrieve his backpack.
The judge didn’t buy it and Shanell was sentenced to 17 months behind bars.
Altman be praised!