Going Blonde

Going Blonde

This is a story that I wrote because sometimes you need to write funny hilarious stories.  I actually shared it with a blonde Senator. It seemed fitting.  Please read it for a good laugh. I know whoever reads it will laugh. I promise.

THE DUMBEST BLONDE MOVES WHEN GOING BLONDE © Donna Rae Lands

WARNING: DO NOT DO THIS MOVE EVER! I DID SO PLEASE LEARN FROM MY STORY OF THE DUMBEST BLONDE MOVES WHEN GOING BLONDE:

In 1990 my girlfriend Tracy whom I grew up with was my endearing and loving beautician. She was frosting my hair on a gorgeous Indian summer day at my home in Spokane Washington. We were shooting the bull about this, that and the other thing. I tell my beautician everything under the sun and fortunately, she returns that conversation in kind. Tracy says to me: “Donna you know that this white powder I am putting on your head is just well refined and processed Draino.

Yikes, I about jumped out of my chair in panic.

Tracy started laughing: “No Donna, It is completely safe.” spouts Tracy.

Ok, cool I thought Draino safe…Ok. I put that thought aside until I believe it was the summer of 1992 down in Joseph, Oregon. I don’t know what I was thinking but I got this hair brained idea in my head. I do that from time to time. The thinking was not my forte on that horrific Dumb Day. I had hurried up and closed my part of the Cafe really fast. I zipped through my work like a speedy Gonzales. I WAS GOING TO SAVE MYSELF SOME MONEY BY PUTTING JUST A DASH OF BLONDE IN MY HAIR: I was excited immensely because I was going to surprise my loving husband with a new look. I told him I needed to go to the Hardware store which was across the street to get something special.

Bill being the ever so loving hubby says: “Go for it Honey, I will go pick up the kids.”

I walked the 100 feet across the street. Bud was working that day: Bud was one of the nicest neighbors I could say I ever met. He always had a smile on his face that ran ear to ear. He knew all his customers by their first name plus He knew who your children were.

I said, “Hi Bud, where’s your Draino?”

“Why do you need draino Donna, do you got yourself a plugged drain? I’ve got a snake I’ll loan ya.”

“It’s a surprise, Bud. You just never mind what I need it for. It never failed anytime I went to see Bud-I knew it would take me fifteen minutes before I got away. Most times, I didn’t mind because Bud was a genuinely caring man.

He asked, “How are the kids? How’s Jessie doing? You know you and the kids could come to the ranch and ride our horses anytime honey and I will have the wife fix us something to eat and we could ride horses and have a picnic. How is the Cafe doing? Are you staying busy”?

I had to return the favor in kind conversation: “I saw your son and grandson today. It looks like your staying busy. How are the horses”?

Then Bud remembers why I came in.”Oh yeah, the Draino is over here”. We walked over to the shelves where the Draino was supposed to be but my heart sunk when there was no Draino. “Well Donna, I have this liquid plumber. That should work just like the draino”.

I was thinking, “Hmm Tracy was specific about draino, but what the hell was my next thought”. “Yeah, I will get the liquid plumber”. I made my purchase and with the liquid plumber in hand, I jetted across the street as fast as I can. I had a mission to get this job started. No dilly-dallying around for me. No sir re. Boy won’t, Bill be surprised with my new look and by gosh look at all the money I am saving. The anticipation of my new look made me all giggly inside. I got into the house which was located in a separate building from the Cafe; It was painted Smurf blue with bright darker Smurf blue. I was trying for a certain look but it did not match my imagination. Neither was this dumb blonde move I was going to make. Oh yea or oh no…Yikes.

Bill was in the living room with the kids watching TV. He said: “Hey Babe what cha doing?”

“You never mind Honey. You stay in the living room until I surprise you.”

“Woo-who, I like surprises especially from you.”(He is such the perfect husband) I thought this experiment would go off without hitch…I opened this tall bottle of the liquid plumber and put my head over the sink because by this point I had decided to go all blonde. I poured the liquid plumber over all my hair and proceeded to slosh and lather it up. A weird reaction started to happen though. My hair started to get extremely warm. Then it got warmer. And then it started really getting hot. I shrieked and screamed like I had been stabbed with a knife. Bill was up to his feet lickety-split standing looking at me with an “Oh my God honey what did you do to yourself look”?

I am frantic at this point. I am crying and sobbing and trying to tell him as fast as I could what I did. What do I do about what I had just done? I am starting to get hysterical as you can imagine.

He said in a very astonished look in his eyes. “You did what? Really, Liquid plumber, you don’t say?” Then came the laughing at my dumbest blonde move ever?

“Bill I need help, quit laughing please I am serious this is burning?”

“Rinse it off until the burning quits”, he says in his laughing voice.

That makes sense: The solution to pollution is dilution. I proceeded to run my head under the water but it did not do that? Oh f*ck no… It started to melt right in my hand. I couldn’t believe this horrific thing was happening. “Bill it’s not working my hair is melting”.

Bill who is still laughing his ass off at me, looks at me and shrugs his shoulders, “Well, Donna I don’t know what to tell you to do, I have never put liquid plumber on my head. I would have never done that honey”.

“Well that’s great…F*ck you Bill. You’re making fun of me when I need your sincere help here. You are about to be married to a bald woman and all you can do right now is laugh at me”? I had all these thoughts running through my head. One thought was think…Then the next thought was, “Oh yea Donna you really were thinking and you think thinking is going to help you now.”  I really fucked up. Oh my God I am only 30 and I am going to be bald by my own f**king hand. How the fuck am I going to explain this to my customers? Oh yeah,  I put liquid plumber on my head. Dam, dam-it , dam-it and triple dam-it. That triggered the neutralizer. Ah ha, I yelled, VINEGAR…That should work. Bill run into the restaurant and grab that gallon of vinegar. “Please run as fast as you can”. He actually ran as quickly as he could. Zoom out one door, run along some old weathered two by twelve getter cha-byer sidewalk boards. In the restaurant and back again. It took one minute tops. Bill handed me the vinegar and I poured 1/2 that gallon on my head. It worked and stopped the processing of the liquid plumber but my long hair was now just below my ears and frizzled and fried like it had all caught fire. I cried all that night about my stupidity.

“I will call the salon in the morning and have her fix it”, I said to Bill.  

She did fix my hair. She laughed the whole time but not at me but with me. Warning again: “Do not ever and I mean never try this experiment on your hair”! Take my word for it. It is not a serendipity experiment that worked in this case or in any case. It was pure stupidity! It will fry your hair. It is the dumbest blonde move that I ever made. I am no longer blonde unless I go to the salon. I do blame my dumb mistakes on my blonde roots or would that be the liquid plumber?

 

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