MENLO PARK, CA—Stressing that the issue was out of his hands and far beyond the scope of topics he was equipped to address, Mark Zuckerberg asked the Facebook Oversight Board Thursday to rule on whether the argument he’d had with his wife was her fault.
“After months of strife and heated discussions within the Chan-Zuckerberg home, I have called upon Facebook’s most trusted advisors to determine whether Priscilla made some good points or was just being a total bitch,” said the embattled CEO, adding that the board, comprised of 20 esteemed lawyers, scholars, and former politicians, had been provided with all relevant information, including his wife’s tone, her snide comments, and how she knew what buttons she was pressing when she said certain “bullshit things.”
“While I have my own opinions on how my wife was being passive-aggressive and refusing to listen to anything I said, I will trust the Board’s independent, well-researched decision no matter what they decide.
Simply put, I feel stronger and more confident knowing some of the world’s best minds are here to help me make decisions about schooling the kids, walking the dog, or when everybody in the house just needs to shut the fuck up.”
At press time, the Facebook oversight board had reportedly punted the decision back to Zuckerberg, claiming that he either had to take responsibility and make up with Priscilla or decide to divorce her once and for all.