Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son

WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority, Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president’s oldest son, sources confirmed Monday.

“I, Don Trump Jr.—or, I should now say, Joe Biden Jr.—will continue to fulfill my duties as the president’s eldest male offspring regardless of any attempts to unseat me or render my position illegitimate,” the 42-year-old real estate heir told reporters, saying he looked forward to promoting president-elect Joe Biden’s personal brand and to spending holidays with the first family, during which he hoped to bond with his “new siblings” Hunter and Ashley.

“In this tumultuous time, the nation needs continuity, and through my proven experience as the president’s first male issue, I can provide that. Let me be clear: I am the commander-in-chief’s very special boy, and I will continue in this role for four more years. I’ve already filed a lawsuit to halt the installation of any other person in my position and, if necessary, will pursue this matter all the way to the Supreme Court.”

At press time, the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a summary judgment declaring that the last person to claim the post of president’s oldest son had never officially stepped down, and thus the role still rightfully belonged to George W. Bush.