By Ab Surd
The four women of color known as The Squad in the House of Representatives are doing their best to right some of the wrongs our country has committed since its founding 244 years ago. As we wrestle with the racist policies of our past and present, the legislators have made a demand to employers: pay non-white Americans 1.5 times more than white Americans.
Can you believe it, patriots? It’s almost like they’re saying systemic racism has caused minorities to make less money and now it’s time to correct that!
They’re starting with Congressional salaries. They’re all minorities, so they’ll automatically make 1.5 times as much as their alabaster colleagues. They deserve it!
Oh, and they’re women, so that’s another bonus. That’s an automatic 26 percent bonus, to make up for the income disparity with men. Suddenly, being a woman and being non-white pays pretty well!
Joe Barron, Republican Congressman from Moose Breath, Alaska, was furious when he heard this new requirement.
“White men have been at the top of the heap since the founding of our country. The Declaration of Independence is very clear: all MEN are created equal. And at that time, it meant all pasty, Christian, educated, landowning men. Why should we suddenly have to make up for centuries of entrenched inequality? Things are just fine they way they are!”
Speaking on behalf of the four horsewomen of the Apocalypse — I mean, the four women of color in the House who make up the Squad — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said, “Isn’t it fun watching the old alabaster menfolk lose their minds over this modest proposal? It’s almost like they’re clinging desperately to their relevance as their power and importance fade away. Ain’t it grand?”
For every tater who comments on this story and says that companies should just refuse to hire minorities and women, we’ll donate a dollar to the ACLU.
The above article is not factual and intended to be satirical