BY MEGAN FOX
I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in several months. The last time it happened was probably during #Fartgate when Eric Swalwell let one rip on live TV and Chris Matthews tried to tell us it was a mug scraping the table. So imagine my delight when I found this average Joe Trump Supporter dealing with “protesters” on his lawn. The weapon of choice in the New Civil War is a paintball gun. I’ve got to get one of these.
The benefits of using a paintball gun to defend your life and property are numerous. Firstly, it’s a non-lethal deterrent and does no lasting damage other than a few welts and bruises. No one can complain they were seriously injured by paintball since people pay money to be hit by these things in entertainment centers nation-wide. Second, the sound they make is like automatic gunfire. You can’t tell what it is when it goes off. It sounds like it could be bullets, thus terrifying the target and stopping any attack that was coming. They are very likely to hit the ground and cry for Mommy or run away screaming. Third, the comedy value is extremely high.
I am now fully in support of the New Civil War being a giant paintball fight. Winners take all. Losers move to another country. This is the perfect way to take out aggression on the enemy without actually hurting anyone. Televize it and sell tickets. With the destruction of sports by Marxist activists, skirmishes between the left and right are the new must-see TV.
Scott Adams has devised a points system for keeping track of riot police tackles (the home team) against the away team of miscreants, anarchists, and foreign agitators.
We need to add in scoring for Paintballing Patriots. I think this guy should get at least two points, one for hitting the target and one for the genius holding the camera so we could enjoy it. SCORE! When’s the next event? I’d like to mark it on my calendar and tailgate in my living room.
Don’t be stealin Trump signs and you won’t be gettin paintballed pic.twitter.com/SxxLbeMFQX— Rogan O’Handley 🇺🇸 (@DC_Draino) September 7, 2020