10 Things Straight People Think Are Gay

We knew straightness has a lot of totally normal guidelines, but in this day and age, it can be very hard to keep up with them! There’s just so many! So as a handy-dandy guide for all the manly alpha macho males out there, here are some things you’ll probably want to avoid! (Unless, of course, you want people thinking you’re some kind of gay.)

Ordering dessert

We know there’s a lot of things that mean a person is gay (having a physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to someone of the same sex being the primary and most obvious thing), but did you know that one of those things includes something as mundane as…ordering dessert?? Yup, according to these bizarre tweets, straight, macho, alpha manly men eat MEALS only! 

Using facial products and/or having good hygiene

Apparently it’s not acceptable for straight men to have a daily hygiene regimen and use facial products (unless it’s called something ridiculous and manly like “War Paint”). Only gays do that! 


According to research reported in 2019, one of the biggest reasons so many men don’t recycle or participate in other eco-friendly practices is that they are fraid of having their sexuality questioned by other for doing so……….

Looks like toxic masculinity is going to take us AND the entire ozone layer down with it!!


Stop leaning on things and/or other people, fellas! Stand up STRAIGHT! LIke a real man!

Eating crab legs

Delicious, delectable, buttery crab meat? Sounds fruity to me! 

Watching the sunset

Wow, the setting sun is so pretty, bro!!! No homo, though.

Sitting cross-legged

Get with the program, dude. Criss-cross applesauce is for girls only! Duh!

Wiping and cleaning your derriere

This one was almost too hard to believe, but a poor woman actually did have to vent to We Hunted the Mammoth writer David Futrell about how her grown, adult husband doesn’t like to clean or wipe his behind because “a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything.”

Talking to your significant other

Yup, real guys never talk about their emotions and feelings to their close loved ones. 

Liking flowers

A mom had to take to Reddit to ask for advice on what to do with her fragile husband who thinks things like liking flowers, bananas, books, and light (yes, light) is a sign their infant son is gay. (We literally can’t make this stuff up!!!)


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