We knew straightness has a lot of totally normal guidelines, but in this day and age, it can be very hard to keep up with them! There’s just so many! So as a handy-dandy guide for all the manly alpha macho males out there, here are some things you’ll probably want to avoid! (Unless, of course, you want people thinking you’re some kind of gay.)
We know there’s a lot of things that mean a person is gay (having a physical, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to someone of the same sex being the primary and most obvious thing), but did you know that one of those things includes something as mundane as…ordering dessert?? Yup, according to these bizarre tweets, straight, macho, alpha manly men eat MEALS only!
a guy ordering dessert on a date is a red flag for me. that’s a female thing to do fr.— lyssa ms. aquafinaaa (@ms_fishscale) April 12, 2020
Using facial products and/or having good hygiene
Apparently it’s not acceptable for straight men to have a daily hygiene regimen and use facial products (unless it’s called something ridiculous and manly like “War Paint”). Only gays do that!
Told a girl my face routine and she said “ you must be gay”.. bitch cause i like my face clean?! pic.twitter.com/fCtUWEQIdj— MikeysFamous (@MikeysFamous) December 18, 2018
According to research reported in 2019, one of the biggest reasons so many men don’t recycle or participate in other eco-friendly practices is that they are fraid of having their sexuality questioned by other for doing so……….
Looks like toxic masculinity is going to take us AND the entire ozone layer down with it!!
Stop leaning on things and/or other people, fellas! Stand up STRAIGHT! LIke a real man!
WHAT IS SEXUAL POLARITY?— Rivelino (@alpharivelino) May 4, 2020
The feminine wants to lean into the masculine
She wants to enter his world, feel his strength, feel his protection & submit to his guidance
Sexual polarity is the foundation for sexual attraction 🔥
Sexual polarity is the foundation for love ❤️ pic.twitter.com/qFpMSPxFdK
Eating crab legs
Delicious, delectable, buttery crab meat? Sounds fruity to me!
Fellas, is it gay to crave crab legs (??) https://t.co/dfrE4bYiZe— Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) April 27, 2020
Watching the sunset
Wow, the setting sun is so pretty, bro!!! No homo, though.
fellas, is it gay to appreciate the sunset? pic.twitter.com/WxWoFRILB9— joe exotic 🐅 (@kyra_lussier) April 29, 2020
Get with the program, dude. Criss-cross applesauce is for girls only! Duh!
Wiping and cleaning your derriere
This one was almost too hard to believe, but a poor woman actually did have to vent to We Hunted the Mammoth writer David Futrell about how her grown, adult husband doesn’t like to clean or wipe his behind because “a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything.”
Talking to your significant other
Yup, real guys never talk about their emotions and feelings to their close loved ones.
As a man you never supposed vent to your girl. Ever.— Jody (@DVDJXX) May 2, 2020
A mom had to take to Reddit to ask for advice on what to do with her fragile husband who thinks things like liking flowers, bananas, books, and light (yes, light) is a sign their infant son is gay. (We literally can’t make this stuff up!!!)